#1 2015-04-06 17:16:31

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An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

Man that movie sucked.

So you're like two seconds in, Jason Statham is there and there's some other dude who's dying on a hospital bed and you're like "oh Jesus, who are these people?" then, immediately, the hospital blows up and you're not sure why but you don't have too long to figure it out because WATCH OUT, Statham has vowed vengeance and death upon Vin Diesel and his 'crew'! Also we learn that Vin Diesel does not, in fact, have a 'crew' - he has a FAMILY!

So while your head is reeling through all of the TENSION, all of a sudden Statham shows up and finds Diesel. Whoops! They're gonna fight. No, no - they're gonna RIDE. So there's actually a pretty cool car chase here, some kind of American Muscle (VD) and some kind of British shit (JS) fly through whatever city they're in, then they meet HEAD to HEAD.

A game of chicken not unlike ballistic suicide ensues. In the end, both cars wreck head-on and both drivers get out and stare at each other for a while. The tension intensifies.

HOLY SHIT BALLS! Mah'fackas dropped in from the ceiling with automatic guns and shit, looks like it's some shadowy arm of the US government. Thankfully, they scare off Statham long enough to bore you to death with ten minutes of plot that doesn't make sense, though they do flashback to the end-scene of Tokyo Drift and half-ass hint that this timeline happens at the end of the Tokyo Drift but how Paul Walker had a kid in that time (when he was building his first GTR) is never explained.

Oh yeah, there's some kind of futuristic computer chip that the US government needs Vin Diesel and his *ahem* family to steal back from Jason Statham, only that chip was sold to some dude who sold it to some dude who sold it to some Arab oil shiek who used it to modify his 242mph supercar which is, of course, in Abu Dhabi. Now they show up in a fleet of Bugatti's and there's scantily-clad women in bikinis everywhere in the desert (though I'm pretty sure that's illegal? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/travel/artic … inis.html) and there are several comments about how everyone needs to move there to party.

The next thing you know is there's a HUGE fight scene between that sexy-ass Rodriguez and some white bitch yelling Arabic at everyone, then Paul Walker begs Vin Diesel to not commit suicide because 'cars don't fly' but Vin Diesel looks at Jason Statham and jumps that motherfucker through like THREE BUILDINGS ANYWAY because that's TOTALLY how things work in the real world. Anyway, everyone gets away completely unharmed somehow and they have the chip and they forgot all about their fleet of Bugatti's because now they're back in LA and OH GEEZ I forgot about the bus (but you didn't miss anything), Paul Walker almost dies but Sexy Rodriguez saves the day with her dorifto-spoiler 360 no scope action.

Then at this point I don't remember anything but the crushing disappointment my $30 IMAX ticket and a lot of shaky-cam and another hour of fight scenes with only ten real minutes of plot advancement. The notion of 'family' is mentioned a lot. Oh yeah, the US government also absolves everyone of every crime. Magically there's Corona everywhere. But business isn't finished.

Jason Statham's boss or someone I don't fucking know (I had stepped out for a smoke break before this) shows up in some MECHA-MANIACAL HELICOCKSUCKER and they hack some shit, but they're getting hacked and the hackers hacking them are being hacked and everyone is getting their hacks hacked and there are missiles EVERYWHERE and it's totally chaotic and there are so many cars and Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson flexes his muscles so hard that his cast breaks and he steals an Ambulance and saves some woman who I don't even know who she is or why she's been sitting in the movie BUT AT THIS POINT ALL BETS ARE OFF. The helicocksucker launches a MOTHERFUCKING DRONE and it's got rockets and machine guns and it's MAD! But the hackers finish their hacks and disable the drone and Vin Diesel launches his car like 600ft in the air and head-on collides with the helicocksucker but he hangs his bag of grenades off the landing gear and then Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson shoots the grenades and everyone is dead and there must be about a billion dollars' worth of damage to LA, NYC, Abu Dhabi and what-have-you but OH WELL!

Instantly we're on a beach. Bryan has some kids, Diesel has some family, everyone has a little tan and a little happy. Cue the Coronas, cut to some corny music, then it's off to Walker's memorializing send-off.

I rate this giant, confusing turd of a movie -1/10 stars, not worth the price of the paper my ticket was printed on.

Of course the movie received a tearful, standing ovation.


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#2 2015-04-08 21:04:32

Maindrian
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Registered: 2003-02-18
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Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

Jesus, dude, relax.

I only just watched F&F6 earlier today. It was retarded, but it certainly wasn't boring. I laughed my arse off when the London bobbies suddenly whipped out machine guns during the first big action sequence. Also laughed my arse off when Gina Carano turned out to be evil, just because come on, Michelle Rodriguez had to fight another chick; they couldn't have her beat up a man, that would be silly. Then, a plane ran down a runway that seemed to be about a million miles long. Then, Vin Diesel and The Rock double teamed a big muscle guy with an absurd wrestle move. Then shit exploded. Then everybody sat down and they had family dinner, around the family dinner table, because family, family, family.

Utterly retarded.

I approve of the series. They're great because they're so fucking earnest. I'm sick of ironic action movies, this is the only series that doesn't even try for that nod-and-a-wink ooh-aren't-we-being-CRAZY bullshit. No, they've got the dumb goofy comic relief and the heroes are all stoic sweaty muscle men who spit out lines like "TO CATCH A WOLF, YOU NEED TO SEND A WOLF. LET'S HUNT." And they do the crazy impossible physics free shit, but you're supposed to take it seriously, which, to me makes it all the more amusing. What I'm saying is, these movies are Road House.

I will probably see 7 at some point, when I spot it cheap for a fiver in Tescos, because come on, why the fuck would you waste a cinema ticket on this stupid shit. Especially when John Wick is finally out in the UK next week, because FUCK YOU ENGLAND, YOU HAVE TO WAIT, NO REASON, JUST WAIT, FUCKERS.

Out of interest, since I always enjoy trying to needle you for a positive to all your whiny crap, what's a good contemporary action movie you like, Disco?

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#3 2015-04-09 02:47:16

Inky
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Registered: 2003-05-24
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Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

How are the Paul Walker scenes? I heard some of the shots they digitally added him in and some others his brother was used as a stand-in. I might see it just for that, I've never been a big fan of these movies. I know I've seen the first and a bit of Tokyo Drift (which was kind of okay? I think)

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#4 2015-04-09 16:47:34

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Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

Adam, I don't watch a whole lot of action movies so I don't really know. I enjoyed 'Taken' the first time I saw it, but didn't enjoy it on re-watch or any of the sequels. Recently I watched 'Platoon' and that was fucking AWESOME. I really rocked out the new stereo and had a lot of fun with that one. Care to recommend some action? I'll give it a watch and let you know.

Chris, Paul's scenes were hit and miss. It was easy to tell when his face was photoshopped onto his brother's body because you'll notice that he keeps making the same facial expressions on a loop. You'll know what I mean when you see it. But his live-action stuff was, of course, as good as the rest of the movie. His send-off was touching, but I'm not super touchy-feely so I felt it was more cheesy than anything.


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#5 2015-04-09 20:49:17

Maindrian
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Registered: 2003-02-18
Posts: 3,065

Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

You know, honestly, I can't think of any serious suggestions other than The Raid and its sequel. The Raid 2 might actually be better, it's just got an astonishing level of effort and style put into it, like an action movie should do, but it also manages to be pretty engaging on a story level as well and the hero is capable but massively sympathetic; given the situations he's thrown into, you end up worrying for him quite a bit. I still adore Dredd as well, even if it is basically an inferior version of The Raid. They both came out within months of eachother, so it's hard to accuse either of ripping the other one off.

As for older stuff, I'm sort of in a John Woo mood lately. I watched Mission Impossible 2 and, as bad and stupid as that film is, I still got cold chills when everything went slow motions and the doves flew out and Hans Zimmer's dumb score started pumping. It's really made me want to watch through Hard Boiled and Face/Off (MAX CAGE) and Broken Arrow (MAX TRAVOLTA GAYNESS).

I can think of ones I'm excited for, the aforementioned John Wick for instance. Also, Mad Max: Fury Road. Basically, if you've got a penis and the trailers for that film don't make it rock hard, I think you should just go right ahead and cut that sucker off.

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#6 2015-04-15 17:59:51

ameer
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Registered: 2003-02-23
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Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

Yeah, this movie was thoroughly terrible. There hasn't been a good Fast & Furious movie since Tokyo Drift.


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#7 2015-05-20 17:10:47

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Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

So I watched MAD MAX FURY ROAD TO FURY.

Initial impressions -

Blood bag? What the...? Well, the blood must be for healing cancer, but that's not how blood transfusions work, but if I were to ignore that why would you hang your life-giving blood bag from the deadliest part of your car?!!>?

WTF IS GOING ON WHY DOESN'T HE JUST TELL THE LADIES THAT HE DOESN'T WANT TO HURT THEM WHY ALL OF THIS SENSELESS TENSION JEEEEEESUS - oh, hey, that fire-spitting guitar is kind of cool - BUT WHY WASTE SO MUCH FUEL WHEN YOUR WORLD IS LITERALLY CONTROLLED BY THE LACK OF RESOURCES!!!!!1

Then there was all the whiny women's rights bullshit. If I wanted to support suffrage I'd just go to a damned hippie fest / feminazi convention. So I didn't realize it was Charlize Theron (spelling???!?!), she looked better in that movie where they steal the gold with the Mini Coopers.

Still don't know what's going on, but I'm enjoying how the violence escalated with the death metal tempo.

OH JESUS IT'S BEEN TWO HOURS ALREADY AND YOU'RE GOING TO GO BACK??? FUUUCK THIS MOVIE IS LONG AND THE CHOICES THEY ARE MAKING ARE SO DUMB.

Wow, that was some bad CGI. Wow, that was a great ending.

THOUGHTS AFTER SEEING THE MOVIE - I want to see this again.

TL;DR: Once I stopped expecting plot or character development or logic, this was a really fun movie to watch. The sound was mixed well, the soundtrack (or dialog???) was pretty impressive and though the glaring differences between the CGI and 'practical effects' (thanks for the vernacular, Ameer) pulled me away from the film, the real action sequences were really fun to watch unfold. No, it wasn't revolutionary, yes it was worth seeing - it was tons of fun.

Now that I know more-or-less what to expect from 'good' action movies, I'd like to see more. Ameer and I might watch John Wick soon just to see what's up.

Last edited by [deleted] (2015-05-20 21:05:48)


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#8 2015-05-23 09:44:10

Fragdieb2
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Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

Disco wrote:

BUT WHY WASTE SO MUCH FUEL WHEN YOUR WORLD IS LITERALLY CONTROLLED BY THE LACK OF RESOURCES!!!!!1

This quote pretty much sums up the logic mistake of all Mad Max movies, so I guess it's only consequent that they didn't fix it for a new one.


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#9 2015-05-23 18:19:14

Maindrian
Second Place Gaymo
Registered: 2003-02-18
Posts: 3,065

Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

You thought the movie was long!? Compared to some of the films I've seen in the last couple of years (FUCK YOU, MICHAEL BAY), it was a relative breeze. I've been twice now, the best thing about seeing it again is the little details and brilliant turns of phrase in the dialogue that make it extra magical. The CG was mostly restrained, except for the (beautiful) sandstorm segment and that one shot at the end, which was admittedly wonky (although on second viewing, does look hilariously like an old Sam Raimi composite effect, so I love it). The old ladies were fucking badasses.

There was a great line somewhere to the effect that "It made me angry that other films can't hit this standard" and even as somebody quite forgiving, I'll throw in my hat with that opinion. It's so nice watching a film where the cameras are mostly situated in a physical space and very clearly pointed at the action, as opposed to flitting about like a whizzing moth on crack, because hey, we've got all this money, let's do this wicked shot where Superman flies through a collapsing skyscraper, because who the fuck cares about creating a sense of reality. I didn't mind Age of Ultron, but there were a few shots that made me feel utterly furious at the lack of anything real going on in the frame. Oh, look, here is Iron Man, who is a CG man, fighting a bunch of men who are CG men in a CG landscape of CG trees and shit. Yes, he did all that in one shot, ooh, very impressive, but at least when David Fincher did it, he had real elements in there to hide the fakery. Fuck, Iron Man 3 had a better sense of physicality (praise be, the one true god, Shane Black, may his Predator film see fruition sooner rather than later).

It's not that Fury Road is "revolutionary", it's more that, holy fuck, it's an actual film with some great Miller technique to it (lovely, lovely undercranked zoom shots of people's faces prior to crashes!) and isn't wobbling the camera about like a crazy fucker or detaching itself from physics completely. Also, it's edited so shots make some semblance of physical sense. Again, fuck you, Michael Bay. You just got schooled in filmmaking by a 70 year old guy who made Babe and fucking Happy Feet.

Also, this shot. Best shot.
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STILL HAVE TO WAIT FOR JOHN WICK. FUCK.

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#10 2015-05-26 20:18:31

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Re: An Unabridged Review of Furious Seven [SPOILERS]

I didn't think the movie was long after it ended. Preface: since acquiring the dog, I'm always extra conscious of how long I spend somewhere without her, so I was a little anxious of the movie runtime when I saw they were GOING BACK THE WAY THEY CAME AND IT TOOK TWO HOURS TO GET THERE OMG, but then it ended fine and that was no longer a complaint.

How does it feel knowing that John Wick has been available to us for well over a year now but neither of us cared enough to see it? tongue


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